They Cannot Be Serious

Cat Hammock

Fun Facts

Count on Wired to carry the kind of cheerful facts and stats that ye olde Spleen Venter loves to toss out at cocktail parties. First up is an article entitled “One Million Ways to Die,” which includes “a handy ranking of the various dangers confronting America, based on the number of mortalities in each category throughout the 11-year period spanning 1995 through 2005 (extrapolated from best available data).”

S E V E R E Driving off the road: 254,419 Falling: 146,542 Accidental poisoning: 140,327

H I G H Dying from work: 59,730 Walking down the street: 52,000. Accidentally drowning: 38,302

E L E V A T E D Killed by the flu: 19,415 Dying from a hernia: 16,742

G U A R D E D Accidental firing of a gun: 8,536 Electrocution: 5,171

L O W Being shot by law enforcement: 3,949 Terrorism: 3147 Carbon monoxide in products: 1,554

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Next, from the August 2006 issue, “Deadly Poisons, Ingested or Inhaled.” It’s a list of the top ten most deadly poisons. The list includes botulinum, anthrax, cyanide, and something called compound 1080 (sounds like a band that really sucks). My favorite line from the article accompanies the entry for strychnine.

it gets style points for causing one of the most horrific deaths of all: Every muscle in your body spasms violently until you die from exhaustion.

Wow!

Think of this post as the antidote to Slate.com's Weekend Cocktail Chatter, "a quick and easy guide to help you fake your way through overly cultured cocktail parties this weekend."

Or not.

Burick Update

The side-view mirror on the driver's side is now cracked straight down the middle.

Double Spleen Vent

I just found this post from June buried in the drafts folder - doh!

And I see that the link no longer works - double doh!

But I think there's enough information here for the joke to still work - yea!

Is This My Problem?
Intermittent explosive disorder affects 1 in 20. I frikin’ hope not. For all our sakes.

My Spleen: Soon to be Frozen?

The local paper reports “The Old Farmer's Almanac, which boasts an 80 percent accuracy rate for the annual weather guide it has been publishing since 1792, is predicting a colder and snowier winter for most of the U.S. this year . . . temperatures will be as much as 8 degrees below the 30-year average, with the coldest weather coming in February.”

Heavy sigh

And I Thought Things Were Bad at My Job

At least no actual dead bodies have shown up: “A man's body floated up near where a crew was filming a scene for the crime show ‘CSI: Miami,’ authorities said.” Who wants to go on location now? Yikes!

Venting My Spleen for Pomonkey

As you may know, my life-partner lady-friend, Pomonkey, is having a tough time at work. So here’s a spleen vent just for her.

To Pomonkey’s coworkers:
What the heck is wrong with you? Can I get you to just do your frikin’ job?!?! How difficult is that? Stop with the excuse making, pull yourselves together, shut yer yappers and do your jobs!!!

Wouldn’t That Make Me A Bit Of A Dandy?

Today’s Wall Street Journal reports (suckscription only) on the latest trend in men’s fashion: “shorts -- dressy and tailored -- with suit jackets, sport coats, dress shirts and even ties.”

Why on earth am I going to wear a tie with shorts?!? Free the knees yet bind the neck meat? Yeah, I don’t think so.

I’m with Tony Green (whoever that is): “Shorts with a suit jacket would make me feel a little too Little Lord Fauntleroy.”

The great thing about a blog is that if this does really catch on I can come back here and eat my friggin’ words.